INTRO

MojoTainment. To many, it is the pinnacle of what mankind can achieve. For others, it is a bright shining star amongst a sea of cyber-drivel and E-commerce. And for a select few, it is a website where people can read funny fake news, and read about some idiots with massive delusions of grandeur who dress in 70's clothing and think they're funny.

But for most, it's a pinnacle of what mankind can achieve and that other thing I mentioned before -- you know, about the star and stuff.

So who has created this masterpiece? Who is the mastermind behind all the offensive articles and all the foul language? And who can take the blame for all the libel and the copyright infringements? Me. John Tesh. That's who. And that’s why all your complaints should be directed towards him, I mean me. In fact, please send all your complaints to john@horriblehorriblemusic.com. I'd love to hear from you.

Of course, there's more to this story as well. I couldn’t have done it alone. I needed help from the MojoNation. One day after a concert, 3 young rapscallions found me after the show and told me my music was great. Finding this a bit strange, I listened on. They told me that they wanted to make an homage to all things Tesh on the web. At the time, everyone was doing that Internet thing, and so with the promise of a tremendous return on my investment, I gave them the 50 dollars they requested. The rest is history... or at least a mock VH1 special.

I, as well as many others, look forward to being entertained by the MojoTainment group and recommend it to anyone with free time on their hands, or tired of looking at porn. Well that's all for now, so without further adieu, I give you the full story of MojoTainment: Behind The Mojo.

terriferably,

John Tesh (the one to sue, if you're going to)

 

: The MojoTainment Story

[cue music. if you have no music just make some up in your head]

 

Ajit, Lawrence and Eric were three regular guys. I mean, they're still pretty un-extraoradinary now, but I'm just saying they were just regular then too – as regular as the unwashed Toughskins jeans of a retail store. They were friends, compadres, brothers, companeros what-have-you, and they had been through many adventures together. Like this one time when they went through the McDonalds drive-thru and Lawrence (the loose cannon of the bunch. Also the black guy) asked the drive-thru lady "Why do you spell the word 'through' T-H-R-U?" and she said she did not know. Lawrence then said he just thought it was "funny, that’s all" and proceeded to order the fish sandwich.

Ajit and Eric were embarrassed by Lawrence's brashness and had a long stern intervention with him later about his 'black rage'. Lawrence cried and cried at the breakthrough that yes, he WAS an angry black man and he had been hiding it for all these years.

And like another adventure they had where they went to see Encino Man at the theater and the ticket taker forgot to rip up Ajit's ticket. At the end of the movie the sly, courageous trio thought they might be able to get Ajit into the theater to see the movie again, since his ticket was not ripped. Ajit would not go into the theater without his friends though, so they went home and rented Jury Duty. The laughter carried well into the night.

Yes indeed. Many, many adventures, some even more exciting than those. But far too many to go into here. Well, except for the main story, which is what this special is about. And here it is - The main story.

One day they went to a Disco party dressed as 70's people and their costumes were really good. People kept telling them how good their costumes were, in fact. The pleasant spice of friendliness was in the air and the trio was sniffing all their worth. Not used to compliments of any kind, the trio decided to take advantage of this rare occurrence. And so the plan was formed - create a website about themselves that others could read about. In this way, other people could know about their awesome costumes and make comments over the web. Hopefully good comments.

Also they figured it was a good way to meet women. Their youthful loins were causing the bees of business to circulate in their minds as to how to exploit this attention-magnet.

But they needed an excuse to put themselves up on a website dressed as such. So they came up with some crap about some 70's cops and called it MojoNation. Why not.

 

NEXT UP: Would the MojoNation be censored by those who were afraid of the truth?

 

Yes. But more accurately, No.

After all their friends saw the website and paid their respects, Ajit, Lawrence and Eric came down from their elation. After a mind-blowing 64 hits on their site (many of them self-induced), they were on top of the world. They had had a taste of success and they wanted more. They were on the fast track, living the fast life and there was nothing anyone could do to get them off this praise rollercoaster - or at least this attention merry-go-round – or possibly even an acknowledgement pinwheel.

[reader should imagine some sort of fancy dramatization here, possibly showing booze and some drugs or something exciting. Hopefully this will keep the reader from nodding off as they read the rest of this.]

Then one day, Eric was reading through an online publication known as The Onion. Eric had a fantastic idea. He would write for the Onion as a means of getting attention. It was crazy but it just might work!

But it didn’t work.

Why? Because the Onion does not accept submissions. It clearly states it on their website. But of course, not being one for detail, Eric had not bothered to read that part of the Onion and so had a great many articles that would never get submitted.

The specter of grimness was lavishing Sadness Dust on the trio's hopes. Their embittered battle to get people to acknowledge them was being lost in a swirling maelstrom of not-good things and such.

How would he get people to see his articles? How?

These were the questions he was asking himself when he came up with an idea that would change his life forever– to boil the water in the pot before putting in the pasta. This idea was also crazy but it just might work! And it did work. Of course, this did not help with the original problem at all. But it was at that moment that he had an even greater idea. This idea was only semi-crazy. He decided that he should use tongs to pull out the pasta out of the boiling water, instead of using his hands. These novel ideas changed him forever.

Of course, it was many years before he learned to turn the stove off and let the pasta cool before eating it; a lifelong hindrance that caused much agony and third degree burns and frequent visits to the hospital. This idea was not thought of right then because it was pushed out of his mind by an even better idea! This idea was much closer to our original topic about MojoNews. In fact, unlike the previous sentences, it WAS about MojoNews. And here it is:

He would create another website known as MojoNews.

[reader should attempt to interject some swelling powerful music here. Maybe something like “bom-bom bom!” or maybe even “da da”!]

That’s where his marginally-funny-maybe-if-you-lived-in-France articles could be seen by all. Now there were two whole things to draw the people in to this attention trapping pit of trappings and traps.. and pits. (The other thing was the MojoNation thing which you may have forgotten about because it was so long ago since we mentioned it).

Of course, the two sites would have to be encompassed under one giant umbrella of completitude. So the trio got together and created their own umbrella website called MojoTainment -- one where they could publish all the MojoNation and MojoNews and MojoPorn that they wanted!

And thus MojoTainment was formed, a website dedicated to simply getting attention. No advertisements, no plan to get anyone's money. Just unabashed and childish crying out for praise and attention.

Soon others would come forward with their need to do something besides jerking it in front of the computer. People started to submit articles and slowly but surely a writing staff was forming. With the addition of Mark, Pablo and George, the trio’s MojoNews expansion was under full steam… at least every few months or so it was.

Then there was some other stuff that happened, but it wasn’t very exciting.

[here the reader should also imagine a section about how they broke up and got back together and drugs and the downfall of the Mojo and stuff like that. It is up to the reader to make this part exciting. We are not responsible for your lack of imagination. Now get cracking. ]

 

MOJOTAINMENT – Where are they now?

Nowadays, the original trio, look at their great success with a sense of pride and wonder. Much of the pride comes from their continued commitment to outstanding articles. And all of their wonder comes from wondering why they are doing this for zero money… and even less pride.

So what is in store for this fledgling squad of rabble-rousers and a Bolivian?

Will MojoNews ever make money? Will Eric ever remember where he left his 4th favorite T-shirt? What will George do when he finds out the plot the others have to beat him senseless with a tie rack? Will Pablo ever admit to his latent homosexual lifestyle? Will the gang beat Pablo with a tie rack when he does admit it? Yes. Yes they will. But will he resent them for it? And for calling him homosexual in this article?

If you stay tuned then your wasting your time because these things will never be answered. Except that one about the gang beating Pablo.

But on the other hand, there’s some other cool stuff the reader (that’s you by the way) might like here and hey – the crew is trying to get some porno going on the site once they can find women who are willing to take off their tops., or even talk to them.

If you would like to know more about MojoNation, MojoTainment, MojoNews or MojoPorn, please consult your local library today and they will be happy to assist you.

Now fuck off.